can you repeat that please?

homygosh

2006-03-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

i just found out that my cousin is on his way to IRAQ!!! i swear, the world is thowing so many things my way to deal with... i just finished with transcendentalism and the transcendentalists and i can't stop thinking about EVERYTHING and i've really been enveloped with walt whitman and i keep sinking so deep into my thoughts that it's hard to pull out of my poetry-space and get into my analytical space to write my literary paper...
this really is real life, and it's right here. i can feel it.

wake up

2006-03-20T00:37:00.000-08:00

i just realized how fucked i am.. and now i finally care. at 1:36 in the morning. after days and days of no worries and endless procrastination i finally get a reality check. FUCK! i'm really worried now... ok... ok...
FUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
i'm doomed!! and it's all my fault!!
and i'm still sitting here procrastinating ahhhh!!!
damn the internet!!!!! damn the distractions and the sleep deprivation and the A.D.D.!!! damn them all!!

beyond the nucleus

2006-02-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

have you ever noticed how when you're at a store... say, a computer store, and whenever you just want to browse around there are always people following you and bugging you and asking if you need to be helped... but if you actually have a genuine question, you can't seem to find anybody to help you? that happened to me today. i guess it didn't make me irritated, just uneasy for some reason. so i just went with a whim and got the less expensive iTrip, and a box set of 3 monty python DVDs. the snowwy weekend ahead shall be well spent.

soooo i was standing in the gym today, lined up with my team mates and singing the national anthem and i realized that i will never do that again... sing that song. with those people. in that gym... ever. again.
it's kindof sad. not to say that i love basketball, but i will miss playing sports at waldorf. and tonight was senior night which was kindof fun.

i like to lie in the darkness and let my thoughts flow and talk and theorize and contemplate everything. sometimes i get stuck because there is so much to KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE and so much to feel PASSION for and it can be overwhelming, humbling, empowering.....

take a minute to mollify your temper

2005-11-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

wow blogspot and livejournal and the likes are so last season... myspace is WHERE IT'S AT homies, yeah!

so... holy crapanoli.

basketball started tonight and i can feel my muscles tensening already after my one heavenly week off from sports. i miss volleyball already.

my weekend was boring, i watched a lot of tv and did a lot of nothig and oH yeah i took the SAT again. i was really nervous. i studied a lot for it. i better have done well. i know i did better than last time, but i hope i did a lot better. yeah.

my long list of shit to do THIS WEEK:
-make the final list of colleges i want to apply to, and get all of the applications
-finish my final presentation for architecture, build the final model of my house,re-write my first architecture paper
-come up with a 15 minute speech on my senior project, prepare a slideshow and poster
-clean out azad's car of all the shit that has accumulated in it over the past few monts, so i can give it back to him tomorrow and no longer have a vehicle (SO sad)
-write a biography on a latin-american poet IN SPANISH and prepare a poem
-figure out what the hell is going on in biochemistry with all these moles and numbers and concoctions
- go to basketball a lot
-not die

and i'm sure i'm forgetting something but if i remembered what else i have to do i might just have a mental breakdown.

BUT for some reason i am quite happy despite all of this stress. weird.

oh YEAH i almost forgot.... mr jones (formerly LOVED a cappella and choir teacher) came to me after a cappella today and asked if i was on anything because it seemed like it and i was a distraction today all through class and i really need to be an example and a strong singer and blah blah blah.... i don't remember talking that much and if i was i was certainly not talking to myself the whole time and AHHHH! stupid teachers...

wow, i am really on a roll... i could talk about claude and what an ass he was last week and how he said he hated me ( i dont think teachers are allowed to say that to their students, even if he's like my uncle and we do usually joke around), but i really need to be going now...

oh and TOM if you read this i think it's pretty shitty that you never write me. i miss you and i hope you're happy.

um, yeah...

2005-09-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

so that, uh, last post... i'm over it now.
yeah, so robby can really be a dickhead. to me. grr.
but now he's happily fucking his new girlfriend and things with us are pretty peachy.

captain is fun, but stressful.

school is insane. so much work!

something happened last night... i tried to grasp sleep for over 2 hours before it finally graced me with its presence. my fucking mind just won't turn off. damn anxiety.

so i've been being a lot more loud than i usually am. i guess it's sort of a senior power trip thing in a way. it's kindof irritating, but i kindof like it.

my dog is making strange noises.
i have toooo much homework.
i need to go to practice.

last nights game: i had 10 aces, 4 kills and 3 digs- woo!

YOU

2005-08-20T02:32:00.000-07:00

FUCKING
DICKHEADASSHOLEMOTHERFUCKINGSCUMBUCKET!!!!

FUCK YOU!!

I fucking deserve to be treated better by you......

inbetween time

2005-08-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

the mendhi is fading from my fingertips and my ringlets have relaxed into waves. i can wear a sleeveless, low-cut shirt without feeling like it's a crime but stil... my mind hasn't come back yet.
yesterday was extremely frusteratng and hard.
that damn woman.

the post-india depression looms.

but today

i get to see my father

*grin*

fireflies in the mist

2005-08-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

not having slept for well over 24 hours, i feel like this place is a dream. the people aren't really here. i'm not really here.
was i really gone a month?

this boy...
i seem to watch him and he turns beautiful as he speaks
and i don't like it when his hand's not in mine.
i watch him, and i SEE him and he SEES me,
and i like it.

SO beyond sleep deprived

2005-07-22T02:09:00.000-07:00

.... i so strongly dislike packing..... grrr....
anyway, i will be getting up in 5 hours to go to denver, to detroit, to amsterdam, to delhi... ill sleep there for like 4 hours, then take the train to dehra dun, then taxi to mussoorie. i leave friday morning and i'll get there by sunday evening. loooong trip.

so there's this new girl and she's all peppy and cute and i dance with her a lot and she's really cool. i feel like i've seen her more than 4 times in my life. and this other girl, she's the top in her class at BHS, which is really saying something.... and she's awesome to talk to and she's indian, but she's only been to india for like 2 weeks. these people are cool. i like having more friends. i think im on a rambling sleep deprived stressed out rampage.. maybe i should go do something. and not pack. because packing sucks.

adoro mis amigos mas que todo el mundo....

...

2005-07-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

....also... sending love to azad.... every way i can...

let DOWWWWWWN, baby

2005-07-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

so i was all excited to see george and eric and especially TOM, but he never called... i went through this weird stage where i couldn't stop thinking about it, thinking MAYBE i would get a call or an e-mail, but no... and while i was staying at boston university, i dreamt about him EVERY fucking night and sometimes about george, too...
i had another dream up at SMC, and now i'm not thinking about it.
fuckit.
at the shambhala mountain center (buddhist commune in the mountains, basically), we raided suncamp and the staff captured us and duct taped us to chairs and poured tabasco in our mouths and immediately after we had to talk and it was hard and scary and intimidating and KICK ASS. the next day we drove up top in terra's jeep and joined the skirmish as the barbarian tribe of the ancient monkey fist. GOOD FUN. i love it up there.
i'm home now and my mom informed me today that i have until tomorrow to pack ALL of my belongings because our house will be rented out starting tomorrow and i technically have nowhere to sleep but thats fine, i'll stay with tana.
um.... things have been kinda fucked up lately.
my dad is getting divorced from anne-marie. fuckin hell. i don't get it- i think she went crazy or something.
summer is nice.
at BU, i found inspiration. i took a creative writing class and the professor was AWESOME and i love writing again.
um... my dogs kick ass.

I'm afraid

2005-06-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm scared to do the right thing. I'm a pushover. I regret. I wish everything made sense.

my 'friend' luz is getting her life fucked over right now. She stole my friend elena's car and has been driving it around for a few days... She doesn't even have her license. We suspected it was her, but weren't sure until Elena caught her today and called her dad and luz's dad and they're having a chat right now.... That bitch used to be my best friend. She lost my trust when she spent the night and stole some money and a ten sack that someone had given me.

Lauren... Is in a correctional school in Utah. We were really close first semester this year, but then she transferred to boulder high and I felt like I barely even knew who she was anymore. She got into a lot of trouble and started running away.. The cops had to get her and she left again... Then they got her again and she was taken away. I haven't seen her in nearly 2 months.

in the past 2 weeks, one of my friends got a DUI and is going to lose her license for 3 months; one of my friends got charged with possession of marijuana and has to do a bunch of community service; one of my friends got in trouble while he was already in trouble and now he's going to have a loooot to make up for it.

my dad was arrested for the first time since he was 17 and has a court date the day after father's day. I'm not telling any details. I really want to see him... I know he needs me right now. I don't think he did anything wrong. Send good thoughts.

life is fucking crazy. This year has been so insane. I just wish I had someone who was here for me always; who cared; who would listen and give advise; who would hold me.

I've no time to worry about that now, I must go clean and work and figure out my future.

yes, that's correct.

2005-06-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

it's scary-
the things i see that give me flashes of what could be.
i went to push the button so the street light would change in my favor- the white man lighting up, signaling walk. i pushed, but it wasn't a button. it was a laser, or something of the sort. when my finger got close, a red little light lit up and it made me think. what if they're taking the fingerprints of everyone who tries to push that 'button'. they could keep track of pedestrians across america, who, when they simply want to cross the road, are being tracked and filed.

then i saw a man
he was wearing a white t-shirt which read across in bold black print "303"- the area code for most of boulder. i pictured everyone walking around with such numbers visible on them "720", "802", "516".....

it's the first day of summer and it's beautiful outside.

i have to clean and then i'm heading to the mountains for a giant party/ camp out. what fun.

i've too much to think about.

some kind of cool

2005-06-01T23:29:00.000-07:00

my throat hurts. i like chocolate cake.

i don't know what to think about much... people really confuse me and i care a lot about what certain people do; say; think... don't do; say; think. i think i care too much, let it get to me a bit too easily... or maybe not. i just care a lot. i care.

today was the NHS induction ceremony and we had to say this pledge and my mom asked me about it afterwards... there was this part, we were supposed to say "...and to maintain scholarly habits" and i told her, "...maintain scholarly hobbits" i truely laughed, which doesn't happen much at school. a good moment.

i fell fast asleep in class this morning, dreaming and all. i heard ms. malmstrom's voice in my dream 'camille... camille... CAMILLE... CAMILLE!!' and then i started waking up and realizing that it wasn't in my dream.

2005-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

i don't know. maybe i should keep my thoughts to myself.